Offering

In an attempt to begin a tradition of donating to an organization/organizations that help the less fortunate, I have come across several sites and wanted to share them in an effort to encourage others to look into it as well.

The idea that people worry about how they will be able to afford their next meal is a very sad concept, especially during a time of year that is so centered around bringing people together for feasting.
--Groupon, Feeding America, and Pepsi teamed up to offer an extended deal where you can purchase $22 worth of meals for only $11 each! 100% of proceeds bought through this Groupon offer are distributed through the Feeding American Organization to needy families; with Pepsi matching all donations up to $250,000!
--Holidash has compiled several different great ideas for how to help.
--The organization behind the national Dine Out Campaign, Share Our Strength, hosts many events throughout the year and across the nation that benefit those in need.
--A regular mom, and fellow blogger, has organized a fundraiser in order to bring Thanksgiving dinners to people who may otherwise not get to enjoy one this year. Jill at ScaryMommy is matching donations and buying gift cards to distribute to families in need. Go here, check it out, and help if you can.

--The Samaritan Ministries in my hometown of Winston Salem is currently holding a penny drive, and is always in need of donations and volunteers.
--Living Social is offering a deal where $15 creates a $30 credit for a USO care package for a soldier overseas, who not only probably won't get to enjoy the holidays with his or her family this year, but also don't get to enjoy just the everyday with them. The people of the military perform a service that is extremely appreciated, and as someone who isn't even remotely brave/selfless/willing enough to step up to the plate and do what they do, I think a care package is the least I can offer.
--I remember the year my mom was working one full and two part time jobs to support me, her and Hayli, and we came home one night to find a live Christmas tree on our front porch. To this day, we still have no idea who left that tree for us, but I know that I'll never forget the look on my mom's face- it was one less thing she had to worry about providing in her attempt to maintain some normalcy for us. Similarly, I'm sure buying a $10/$20/$50 gift card to a Walmart/grocery store/gas station, etc. and handing it to the single dad of 4 who looks like he's struggling, or offering to pay for the 5 grocery items the 80 year old woman in front of you has as random acts of kindness would probably be appreciated more than you could ever know. Use your judgement on who you want to give it to- it may be someone who truly needed it to survive, or someone who won't have to go to bed on that one night wondering which is more important to pay for-heat or food, or maybe it's someone who doesn't need it as much as it seemed.

Even if you don't care or can't to contribute to any of these causes, consider helping out however you can- whether it's donations of your money, time, or gently used items. I know everyone is busy, and I don't know too many millionaires, but Google your local shelters- human or animal, and take a peek at their wish lists and where they need man-power. Everyone can help in some way. Besides, imagine all the good karma.

A Sad Day

Yesterday being Matt's birthday was upsetting enough for everyone who knew him; but unfortunately, Matt's parents' best-friends lost their son in a motorcycle accident last night. Please keep them all in your thoughts and prayers at this very sad and painful time.

It Happened to me too

When I was nineteen, I felt like I had the world at my disposal. I had just finished a successful freshman year at UNC Charlotte, made tons of friends, had a life plan, a great family, and a boyfriend I imagined having in my life- in one way or another- forever. His name was Matt, “Mattbear” to his mom and me. His favorite foods (read: the only foods he really ate) were pepperoni pizza, Bo*rounds from Bojangles, hamburgers with mustard only, and Mountain Dew. He went to UNC Wilmington and is the smartest person I’ve ever known. He amazed me daily with how incredibly smart he was and he could do anything with computers. He was weeks away from joining the military, an incredibly gifted swimmer (his breast stroke was phenomenal), and great with kids. He was funny, smart, annoying, mischievous, genius, handsome, charming, lovable, talented, and dangerous in a way and I was drawn to him for all those reasons and more. When I stayed overnight at his house, he brought me midnight snacks of Kajun Krab dip on bread rounds, and watermelon when it was in season. He loved my dog Minnie (RIP), both of our families, the movie Happy Feet and pretty much every sci-fi show/movie/book he ever encountered. We celebrated two anniversaries every year- the day we started dating secretly, and the day we said I love you (I said it first, though he would tell you he made the first move to kiss me the first time). No matter what he did to upset me, he could always make me smile but pushing the squishy tip of my nose- my “happy button,” as he called it. He always held my hand in the car and let me take an annoying amount of pictures of him and us (which I am even more grateful for in retrospect). I’m not saying he’s an angel, because he wasn’t- none of us are. He had his faults, just like everyone else but I loved him deeply, and he loved me, possibly even more than I did him. Even when we got to be at each others' throats, I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

Matt died August 8, 2008- overshadowing opening day of Summer Olympics, he was never one to let anything get more attention than him.

His birthday was today. He would have been 23. Twenty three.

He’s been gone for 1188 days now and not one of them has gone by that I haven’t thought of him. All those cliché things you hear like “it seems so long ago and like yesterday at the same time,” and “I miss him so much it hurts,” suddenly become real feelings. I think about him every day but sometimes weeks can go by without me getting sad. I can think of the time we were driving back from the lake with our friends Carrie and Blair and they told us that us holding hands in the front seat reminds them of our parents and we went into a full skit where Carrie and Blair were our children for the remainder of the drive home. I can remember how I felt sitting in the first booth in the smoking section at Brick Oven while I watched him laugh with a mouth full of pepperoni pizza covered in crushed red peppers. Sometimes I get sad, but it’s fleeting- it subsides to another happy memory of him, or I drift out of the day dream that got me there just as quickly as I drifted into it. But sometimes- and it’s these times that make me question my strength- the sadness floods over me, sweeps me away into total sorrow and it can be overwhelming, crippling. It can be breath taking, cloud my mind, make my stomach turn, attack my nerves and senses. I can become careless, anxious, reckless, irritable, reclusive, self-pitying.

My friend Laurel found an article while Stumbling and sent it to me a couple of weeks ago: It Happened to Me: My Boyfriend Died. Without even reading the article, you can probably guess what it’s about. I brought myself to read it and just cried. I felt for her, I understood her absolute sorrow- she was me. Sometimes in feeling sorry for myself, I forget that there areother people who have been there, who have experienced (and are still experiencing) the same kind of great loss. The story of Greg and Lela was different than mine and Matt’s of course, but it was equally as tragic.

Matt had a sore throat. He went to a doctor who started treating him with medicine that would have helped make him feel better had he actually had mono. But the doctor was in a hurry and experiencing some life-changing things of his own at home, so he started treating him for mono before the test results were back. Since Matt had acute tonsillitis, the prednisone he was given worked against his body, made him septic, and ultimately killed him in a matter of hours.

I wouldn't trade the 573 days I had with him for anything and I’ll never understand it, but I have accepted it. There’s nothing I can do to change it. No anger or resentment or constant questioning will bring him back. He was someone who could have changed the world. His friends, family, and I will never stop missing him. I started writing letters to Matt a long time ago. I know he’ll never read them, but it’s therapeutic to me and makes me feelclose to him in a way. I wanted to share one:

I hate saying it, but there was a possibility wouldn’t have spent forever together, wouldn’t have gotten married and had the kids we always talked about. It would have broken my heart to see you with anyone else, but it would have paled in comparison to the hurt my heart feels, even now, to know that I can never even speak you again. It kills me that we can never run into each other and catch up over pizza and burgers, that we never got to even have a legal drink together, that we can never drive your mom crazy because of our cigarette smoking, that at some point in the future your parents are going to be at my wedding and it won’t be to you, that they’ll meet my kids and they won’t be yours. Everyone says life isn’t fair, and after losing you, I know that it really isn’t. But the most unfair thing in life is death. Especially yours.

I know I have to live the rest of my life knowing that Matt isn’t alive, and I wish it wasn’t the case, but J.K. Rowling said, “To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.” I always used to say “love you more than air” and he’da nswer with “can’t breathe without you” (or vice versa) and sometimes I really feel like I can’t breathe without him; but Matt is my guardian angel, and I know that he will be with me forever.

xo .Happy Birthday Matt, miss you always. xo

Yes Matt, I see the orb on the right side of the picture. Thanks for showing up for yet another photo shoot of us.

Being Pretty Woman is not as Glamorous as it seems

I LOVE HALLOWEEN! I'm not sure exactly where it ranks in my top three favorite holidays since it's pretty much tied with Christmas and MY BIRTHDAY (yes, May 13 is a holiday-feel free to celebrate). This year for Halloween, I decided to be Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman- not one of the fancy versions, but the street walker version:

It only took a trip to Hobby Lobby, Forever 21 and Goodwill and I had the pieces of my costume together. Now I wasn't a dead ringer, but it came out pretty much exactly as I wanted:

Friday, the 28th, we went on our second annual bar crawl in Uptown Charlotte (so much fun) and while leaving bar #3 for bar #4, my thigh-high 4.5 inch heeled boots betrayed me. Truth be told, I think it was equal parts heels, steepness of stairs, the fact we were being herded down them so quickly, and perhaps a dash of alcohol. Either way, I fell down the stairs. OK, I rolled my ankle and fell down two or so stairs, but my butt hit the ground, that constitutes falling. Since I tore over half of my nail off on the way down, I was more concerned about my bleeding finger and didn't immediately realize how badly I was hurt, thought it was just twisted, walk it off. So I did just that- walked it off right to bar #4. It was only after I got my finger bandaged, and the pain of actually being able to see that injury subsided, that I realized my ankle was on the verge of busting the zipper of my shoe. Time to go home. I iced my ankle while we waited on our pizza to be delivered, took some ibuprofen and went to bed. I woke up at 8:30 to a throbbing golf ball in my ankle and made a beeline to the orthopedic urgent care. I'd like to pause to let everyone know that the OrthoCarolina University is hands down, THE best urgent care I have ever been to. I literally waited two minutes in the waiting room and was seen quickly once back. Every single person I dealt with from the front desk, to the x ray tech, doctor, and everyone in between was professional, showed genuine concern, and had great bed side manner. Luckily, nothing was broken. Unfortunately, three torn ligaments from my foot to ankle + a pulled ligament from my ankle to knee = boot for 4-6 weeks and crutches. For anyone who has never had the absolute pleasure of getting around on crutches (which was me until the fateful fall), one day on them is a day too long. I'm on day seven, can anyone tell me how to get up stairs?

Jamie's Journey

My roommate Meredith is one of the kindest, sweetest people I have ever known, with the most positive outlook on everything. As someone who wears every single emotion I have on my sleeve, I am amazed at her ability to always be so level-headed and happy. Meredith lost her grandfather recently, but the next week became the proud aunt to a beautiful baby girl, Abigail Grace. Though the loss of her grandfather is of course incredibly saddening, she sees the silver lining of having her pretty little niece around- that's just the way she is, and I envy that about her.

Meredith shows her unwavering faith, hope, and optimism when she talks about a friend of her family, Jamie Crutchfield. Everything I know of Jamie reminds me of Meredith. She seems happy, hopeful, and kind. Jamie is 27, she has a husband named Erik and a one-year old little boy named Landen. She lives in my hometown of Winston Salem and was a phenomenal hairstylist at Ego Salon.

Jamie is also suffering from Squamous Cell Carcinoma, which is a type of skin cancer. She discovered the disease shortly after giving birth to Landen when a growing ulcer on her tongue turned out to be cancerous. She had surgery to remove the tumor and reconstruct her tongue, and spent her son's first Christmas in recovery at the hospital. Jamie then had to have a feeding tube inserted in order to endure 30 treatments of radiation and two chemotherapy treatments. Jamie started to experience pains in her neck, back, and arms not too long after completing chemo. After meeting with an orthopedic doctor, she learned she had a fractured C7 vertebra. When the doctor ran an MRI to ensure there was no cancer in the bone, they discovered the pain was being caused by a tumor wrapped around her spine. Surgeons at Baptist didn't feel they could help Jamie and referred her to Dr. Gokaslan at Johns Hopkins. In a part one of the two-day surgery, doctors at JH were able to easily navigate through her previous surgery area and remove all of the tumor that they could see, as well as her C5-C7 vertebrae without even having to open her sternum. The surgery went so well that they were finished in half the time of the eight hours originally predicted. After spending the night in ICU, Jamie went in for part two of the surgery where they inserted a titanium cage and screws to stabilize her vertebrae. She spent less than half the day recovering in ICU before being moved to a regular room. Unfortunately, after surgery and 5 rounds of stereotactic radiation, another MRI revealed cancer on her nerve endings due to pain in her arms and hands. Cancer that was found under her collarbones turned out to be cancer on her lymph nodes. Jamie spent Landen's first birthday in the hospital after being admitted for pain, and has since had an epidural inserted in her spine so that the doctors can attempt to control her pain and offer her at least some comfort. Her left vocal cord has been paralyzed and she can no longer eat or drink. Before the surgeons were able to perform a surgery to insert something into her vocal cord and stretch her esophagus, she was admitted to ICU for a collapsed lung that turned out to be the result of pneumonia. She was placed on a ventilator, taken off, then put back on after trouble breathing on her own.

On September 19, Jamie was told that there is no longer any medical treatment available, basically that there is nothing else they can do. Despite this devastating news, Jamie's faith and hope in God and a miracle have never faltered. She made the difficult decision to have surgery to insert a trach to facilitate her breathing. She was transferred from ICU to a more cancer-oriented unit, where she was still using the ventilator for deep breaths but no longer had tubes in her nose and throat. The removal of those tubes combined with the pain regiment helped make her more comfortable. A little over a month ago, Jamie lost use of her lower extremities. A couple of weeks later, her vision begin to blur and she has now lost vision in her left eye, with blurriness in her right, and can no longer move her eyes from side to side. There is also a burning sensation in the left side of her face and ear, the doctors believe the disease has progressed as a form of nerve pain as well. She has been given medication for a constant high fever that is a result from either an infection or her brain not being able to regulate her body temperature. Jamie wants to leave the hospital but so far her body has not been able to handle the at-home ventilator.

Jamie has never cursed God, never wondered why her, but I do. She never smoked, never drank excessively, always took moderate precaution in the sun. Without even really knowing her, I have to wonder why her? She is a beautiful person. Why is Erik possibly losing a woman he wanted to grow old with? Why can't Landen's mommy hold him? Why is her family watching their daughter and sister suffer? What did she do? What could she have done differently? How does a young, kind, careful, loving, talented, faithful new wife and mother deserve this? How does this fit in God's plan? I can't understand it.

I want to share her story with everyone I can. I want a millionaire to come and pay for all of her medical bills so that her family has one less immense weight. I want her to be able to experience the rest of life. I want Erik and Landen and her family and friends to have her around until she's 100. I want her to get better. I want her to live. More than anything, I want her to be at peace; I don't want her to be in pain. No one deserves the kind of suffering that she has endured, especially not someone so full of light.

I can't say with certainty that God exists and if He does, I don't know that He hears me but I pray for Jamie. Please pray for her and her family. Get on your knees, pray out loud, light a candle, meditate, whatever it is you do. Lift her up to whatever you believe and hope that she no longer has to hurt.




A news piece about Jamie
Jamie's Journey Facebook Causes page
Jamie's CaringBridge Page

My night of puppy-sitting

Meet Lonnie:

This sleepy little lady is the five week old Black Lab/German Shepherd mix who belongs to my downstairs neighbor. Isn't she precious? I volunteered to petsit her two weekss ago and am just now getting around to posting my experience. I offered to take her for the sheer fact that she was so darn cute. When I offered, my neighb said "seriously? For real? That's awesome! That means I can get some sleep!" I honestly thought that he was exaggerating because he's a boy and isn't used to taking care of things [Disclaimer: yes, I know there are guys who are wonderful at taking care of things, but he isn't one of them (and I'm going to go ahead and make the blanket statement that most 22 year old guys are like him in that sense)]. Anyways, I though he was being dramatic. I mean, it's a two pound ball of preciousness; how hard can it really be?

Let me preface this next part by saying that I have owned and been around pets my entire life. We've had cats, turtles, fish, and the most perfect dog ever (and the first love of my life), Minnie, who we unfortunately had to put to sleep this past September. I would absolutely positively categorize myself as an animal lover, and I'd even go so far as to say that I am more patient and understanding with animals than humans because, generally speaking, humans have control over their lives and animals do not. 

RIP Minnie

All that being said, there is absolutely no way I am prepared for a small puppy in my life. Within ten minutes of being in my apartment, Lonnie had both peed and pooped on the floor. And by pooped, I mean puppy diarrhea that had the consistency of green algea and smelled like rotten eggs sprinkled over maggot-infested meat. It. Was. Awful. Pair that with the fact that it happened every 43 minutes and you've got yourself the reason I'm not quite prepared for puppy ownership. Sleeping was essentially impossible, and when I "woke up" for work the next day, I had to look wretched. I scooped up Lonnie and all her belongings and marched straight downstairs at precisely 7:01 to return her to my neighbor. He thanked me and I think I may have put a mental hex on him. Please no one ever let me do this again.

True Life: I'm Addicted to Target

No, that isn't a slang term for crack. I'm talking Target stores...ya know, the classier version of Walmart with the red bulls eye (when I worked promotions for the Nascar race, I was surprised to learn there are actually people walking the planet who have never been to a Target store and/or didn't know what it was. Beats me. I also have an addiction to Etsy, which I'm sure I'll talk about in the very near future). Anyways, back to the subject of Target...I found myself excitedly walking around last night during the first visit of the week, arms and basket full. And while being given a cart by a wonderful associate who is all too familiar with my presence, I had the thought what does my brain look like right now? I'm being serious! I'm thinking it probably looks like someone at the moment they shoot heroin-just orange blobs of happiness all over it. While doing some calculations in line at check-out, part of me understood that people do this all the time-they go places with the intention of filling their carts. But the other part of me knows that I only came in for a picture frame. And absolutely all of me knows this isn't the first time this has happened...because it literally happens every time I make a trip to The Big T. I mean I sat here right now and created this in less than 30 seconds-- Therapy: All's Right and Good Every Time. I'm not kidding, that was 30 seconds of raw emotion about Target and that was what poured out of my little orange brain. I'm starting to believe that my friends may be right and a full-blown intervention could be in order. Does anyone else have this problem with Target? Or any other store for that matter?

 A few of my purchases included a new coffee pot, a couple of different coffees, a new lamp for my nightstand, a picture frame to finally display my Barcelona painting in, and A Place of Yes: 10 Rules for Getting Everything You Want Out of Life by Bethenny Frankel (a person I'm obsessed with, who I'm sure will be referenced often).

I L-O-V-E the way this turned out!

Great book so far, and she is an even better role model

Blog Virginity

This is my first blog post ever!!

It's got to be some sort of statistic that everyone has either a Facebook or a Twitter account (or like me, both).  I was so excited when I got my Facebook, that my first activities couldn't start soon enough-the photo albums, status updates, relationship status...oh, the excitement! I had my Twitter account for months before I ever tweeted a word, mainly because I couldn't figure out what in the world to do, but I did have those friends that had anxiety about their first post. "What do I have to say that is worthy of my first ever tweet?" What? I couldn't understand. The idea of delaying it because they weren't sure if it was worthy was something I just couldn't wrap my mind around. Just say what you want!


Fast forward to me, currently sitting on the couch at my parents' house, watching the movie Glory (great history movie by the way) and editing my layout for what must be the 14th time in the weeks since my blog was activated. Wait...weeks since my blog has been activated? That's right. I've been putting off my first post because I couldn't figure out what was worthy enough! OH. MY. GOSH. Who am I? I love to talk- about every thing, about nothing. This whole idea started as a simple journaling outlet, inspired by www.projectbabyblog.com. How did this happen?

My only real thoughts right now are how soon can I Skype with Lacey, what can I buy on Etsy today, how weirdly wonderful True Blood is, and how many boards I l-o-v-e/need to make on Pinterest. That's first blog worthy, right?

Well, I guess that's it; I've written it- my first post! I realize it has absolutely no direction, no lessons learned, no insight, no nothing! But I've finally put pen to paper, figuratively of course. This post was perfectly pointless, but the anxiety has passed, and the door is now open for what's to come...